Careful thought, especially the process of reconsidering previous actions, events, or decisions.
The above paragraph gives the definition of reflection, at least for the intent of this journal entry. I will comment on each aspect of the definition as to how it applies to me and how I am feeling in my present state of mind. Do not worry for I am not psychotic, deranged, or an endangerment to society in any way, means, or form. I just want to express my feelings and get them in the open.
How do previous actions affect me now days? It is hard to say in the long run. But in my later years now, I feel that my sexual desires have not been met. Oh, I have had thoughts like any other red blooded American male. There are things that I have never done sexually and want to do before that portion of my life becomes just a far memory if a memory at all. One previous action I committed that has had a huge affect on my life is marriage. I regret marriage. I do not want to be married anymore or remarry. If I had followed my beliefs when I was a young man and not fall into the simple mindedness of my family beliefs, I would not have married. My family beliefs were that we grow up, get married, and have kids to carry on our family name. I fell into that trap and now, well just say I am flailing in trying to compete with my true self and the reality of my situation.
Some may ask me what my true feelings of marriage is. I would say that it is some thing that came about when two individuals first fell deeply and madly in love with each other. They wanted to proclaim their loyalty to one another and to take care of one another forever more. Nice thought and for some, even by today’s standards, this works. For others like me, not so much. I believe that the human person was not meant to be monogamous. They were intended to enjoy what is natural and beautiful and it does not matter with whom. But as time evolved, there were factions that wanted to exert control on others. They banded together and created rules that one must obey to preserve the human race. One is not allowed to practice their sexuality in an open way. With diseases becoming more prevalent, these rule makers decides to go one step further and say, it is a sin to have sex openly. In order to stop the spread of diseases, it was doctrined that it was illegal to practice open sex. Marriage became the norm then and once that was in place, the money baggers decided to get in on it. The marriage license was born. Until the 1970s it was a sin for two people to live together and not be married. Even then it was frowned on. The open sex revolution of the 1960s fizzled as the hippy rage soon began to die off. In the 1980s and the discovery of Aids, it changed the social patterns of open America.
I will be honest about some things here. As a kid growing up in Modesto, California in the 1960s, I was a bit of a racist. Now you may think that you are either a racist or not, but let us face it, there is a little of a racist in all of us. It is how you control it and not let it control you. I was repulsed when I would see a black man with a white woman. I would think to myself, are there not enough black women around so that black men would not steel “our” women? I was never one of those Arian Brothers types of racist, not at all. Even to this day, Arian Brothers turn my stomach. Today I dislike immensely the type of people who says their race is superior to all others. Wars, throughout history has generally started due to someone superior beliefs of someone else’s. Like religion, race, and genocide.
When did things change for me? Believe it or not, when I was in the Navy. It was the mid 1970s and I served aboard an old WWII Seaplane Tender that was converted to testing the Aegis Missile System for the Navy. We had many races of men on board this ship. My high school in Modesto had many races and racism was practiced a lot. Blacks against Whites and Hispanics, Hispanics against Blacks and Whites, Whites against Hispanics and Blacks. But nowhere was there anyone against racism. You had to hang with the same color of skin persons. I had a friend back then, being black did not matter to me and me being white did not matter to him. Things were great! He and I would say hi and chat to each other and even have lunch together. But one day something changed. He would see me coming and ignore me. This hurt! I found out later that he was approached by the black gang telling him that if he continued to hang with me, his family would be in danger or retaliation. He was scared for his family as I would have been too. Our friendship ceased openly and we grew apart. Our stupid little fears tore something apart that could have been great.
In the Navy, it was a bit different. We were all Navy, it did not matter the race you were. We all had fun together, but there still were some racist factions. One day, I had waited 30 minutes in the mess line, a couple of black guys just walked onto the mess deck and elbowed their way to the front of the line. I stopped them and told them there were others that have been waiting in line to eat for some time and they should respect them and go to the back of the line just like everyone else had done when they arrived. Then one man looked at me and said he did not have to because he was black and from Louisiana. I told him skin color does not matter and neither does where he came from. This fellow and I were about ready to at blows over this when one of the other guys in line stopped us and he told me it is not worth it. I told him what is right is right and this is not right. I was told that due to affirmative action, I would be the one in the wrong and it did not matter that the other fellow was wrong. I let it go for the moment but warned the black man if I see him on the beach, I will finish this. He told me he look forward to it, but I never saw him on the beach. I think that incident made me look at what happened with my high school friend a bit closer, and to reflect on this mess deck incident. It was ugly, the whole damn thing was. Not too long after this incident, I met a black woman. She and I hit it off as good friends. We were not lovers, just good friends. She would walk into the bar, see me, and then we would have a couple of drinks together. We always knew though, that when we see each other, we were going to have sex. I would say that 95% of the time when we saw each other, we would have sex. It was great, it did not matter the races we were, sex mattered and our friendship mattered. Now, my beliefs are that race does not matter. Feelings is what matters.
Interracial relationships can be beautiful for it shows the union of the human race. Interracial relationships can produce some of the most beautiful people in the world, for example, Haley Berry and Derek Jetter.
My sexuality does not stop with races intermixing either. I am bi sexual and I believe that, unlike being straight or gay, I am more open to the aspects of sex. I can venture to say I am becoming more of a pansexual too. The reason bi is better than straight or gay, is that we are open to having sex with both genders. Gay and straight has their gender preference and not so open to other genders. Pansexual is someone that will have relations with any human being no matter their sexual preference.
This is a long entry, I know. But a lot on my mind. Over time, I hope to make my thoughts and desires open to all.